Monday, October 09, 2006

Three-Hundred

Check out the trailer for the upcoming film, 300. It's based on a graphic novel (comic book) by Frank Miller. It looks like a cross between Troy and another Frank Miller inspired film, Sin City. That is to say 300 looks like Troy would have looked if Troy wasn't, you know, suck-tarded.

According to the film's production blog:
Based on the epic graphic novel by Frank Miller, 300 is a ferocious retelling of the ancient Battle of Thermopylae in which King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) and 300 Spartans fought to the death against Xerxes and his massive Persian army.
Sounds pretty cool. The last good sword-and-sandal epic was Gladiator. Since then we've had to endure Colin Farrell and his Pony-Boy haircut in Alexander and Brad Pitt with berettes in Troy. (both movies tied for the #1 spot on Ebert's 'Worst of 2004' list, but Alexander is far, far worse).

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Oscar Hopefuls

Summer is turning to autumn, and that can mean only one thing (obviously it means more than one thing - ignore that first part, I don't know what I was talking about there). It means we are leaving behind the Summer Blockbuster season and beginning the Oscar Contender season.
A couple of new movies with Oscar buzz releasing soon:

The Departed - directed by Martin Scorcese, opens October 6th.
Flags of Our Fathers - directed by Clint Eastwood, opens October 20th.
Catch a Fire – directed by Phillip Noyce, opens Oct 27th. (This one stars Tim "please don’t make us listen to another whack-job acceptance speech" Robbins).

An interesting note on Flags of Our Fathers, per imdb.com, apparently Spielburg snapped up the film rights to the book before Eastwood could. It ended up being a Spielburg/Dreamworks production with Eastwood directing and Paul Haggis writing the screenplay.

All this sets up the possibility of a Best Director showdown between Scorcese, Eastwood, and maybe even Robert Altman. Scorcese's near misses in this category are already the stuff of legends.

Potential Oscar nominees that are either out on video, or at least will be prior to the award ceremony:

  • United 93
  • Little Miss Sunshine
  • Other potentials to be on the look-out for…

    Dreamgirls – Bill Condon
    The History Boys – Nicholas Hytner
    The Queen – Stephen Frears
    Babel - Alejandro Gonzalez IƱarritu (Amores Perros)
    Breaking and Entering – Anthony Minghella
    Children of Men – Alfonso Cuaron
    For Your Consideration
    The Good German – Steven Soderberg
    The Good Shepherd - Eric Roth (Forrest Gump)
    A Good Year - Ridley Scott
    Goya's Ghosts - Milos Forman
    Last King of Scotland – Kevin MacDonald
    Miss Potter
    Notes on a Scandal


    I'll update the rest later...

    Tuesday, August 22, 2006

    We Are...Entertained

    In mid-August we attended a test screening for an upcoming film called We Are Marshall. We signed some sort of non-disclosure agreement, and although I don’t remember everything it said, I do remember the part about "not discussing the details of the movie verbally or electronically especially on the Internet". Per Imdb it’s based on the true story of the Marshall College football team that died in a plane crash in the early 70s, so I think it's safe to say at least that much about it. Suffice it say, I liked the movie a lot.

    Anyway, while we were in line, some guy with a clipboard came by and asked, "Why are you here?" My wife replied, "because it’s free". He countered, "So if we were screening Dumbo II (he spoke in Italics) you would’ve came to see it because it was free?" We said probably not, and that we knew this was a football movie, and we liked Friday Night Lights, which was also a football movie, so...

    He then asked us to be part of a 20-person focus group that would stay after the film and discuss our opinion. We were issued nametags, I said I would like to be addressed as Snake. and then we were seated in a special roped-off area of the theater. At the end of the movie we all moved down to the front two rows and met the moderator. He asked for our thoughts on the film and the first few minutes went like this:

    Focus Member 1: "It was inspirational"
    Moderator: "It was inspirational…"
    Focus Member 2: "It was uplifting"
    Moderator: "It was uplifting…"
    Focus Member 3: "I really liked the way the characters interacted with each other"
    Moderator: "You really liked the way the characters interacted with each other…"

    I began to wonder to myself if perhaps the moderator was a moron. He then said, "I’m repeating everything for the benefit of the tape-recorder - I’m not a moron". Mystery solved.

    Speaking of people of the not-smart persuasion, there were some doozies in that focus group. One or two people said the movie needed to be more "light-hearted". Light-hearted? Yeah that's what a movie about a tragedy needs, maybe some fart-jokes.

    I was made to wonder if any movies have been ruined by paying too much attention to test audiences.

    Kevin Smith has an interesting article about test screenings from the perspective of a filmmaker on his blog. So, keep on trucking, or something.

    Thursday, July 13, 2006

    Life Goes On

    For those of you that have been keeping up-to-date on this site, you know about the man pictured here. Well, things have gone from bad to worse, and last night his wife called and informed me that he had run off in the middle of the night and didn't even pack a suitcase. The only items missing in the house were a toothbrush, a pack of gum, and some Preparation H. My first thought was that he was going to go MacGyver and whip up some sort of nasty explosive device using everyday household items. When dealing with the criminally insane, I've learned nothing is off-limits.

    I was quickly on Tim's trail and eventually tracked him down at a shelter for battered spouses. What I next discovered was far more tragic than even I had imagined, and I can imagine a lot, as you can … you know … imagine.

    To say that Tim’s condition had worsened would be a monumental understatement. He had developed several rapid tics (see above photo) as well the inability to control sudden outbursts of speech. He told me that in the past month he had contracted full-blown Tourette’s Syndrome as well as a mild case of the syphilis from using a public restroom in Barstow. He went on to clarify that it wasn't Barstow-proper per se, rather the outlying Barstow area. Come to think of it, he said, it wasn't in Barstow at all, but at a Denny's in Porterville.

    I said it wasn't important, and that’s not how you get Tourette's anyway. He became visibly agitated, so much so that I feared for my safety. I explained that I advocated a non-violent approach to life and outlined my philosophy of "Neither Drugs nor Hugs, but rather Mugs". That's right, I now sell coffee mugs, and each mug comes with a grammatically correct statement of affirmation such as, "You are the Man", "It is all good", and "If you come one step closer I'll cut you". The latter being, obviously, cutting of a figurative nature - the way one cuts to the heart of a problem such as racism, ageism or dwarfism. Each mug comes directly from Kinko's for only $14.95 plus Shipping & Handling while supplies last.

    Something I said must have upset him because he then launched into a series of violent tics and hand gestures that reminded me of gang signs circa 1984. After he calmed down I asked him how he ended up here and he related to me the following tale: He said it all started yesterday around two o' clock...

    It was a hot afternoon, and I can still remember the smell of honeysuckle all along that street. How could I have known that murder can sometimes smell like honeysuckle? Maybe you would have known, Keyes, the minute she mentioned accident insurance, but I didn't. I felt like a million.


    I told him that didn't really explain anything and furthermore, that was a piece of narrative from the 1944 film Double Indemnity starring Barbara Stanwyck and Fred MacMurray. It was at that point he began weeping like a baby. I was getting a little choked up myself, but that was the result of my acid reflux and a lunchtime tuna salad sandwich that would've made lesser men run for cover.

    Thursday, July 06, 2006

    Thank You For Smoking

    Today the Close-Minded Movie Reviewer takes a break from movies to review a television commercial. Have you seen those American Legacy Foundation “Truth” commercials? The ones that ‘expose’ the truth about smoking. So, it turns out that, get this, smoking is bad for you. Who knew? Oh wait, every freakin’ person in the known universe.

    Seriously, who doesn’t know smoking is bad for you? Wouldn’t the money spent on these commercials be better suited to exposing other “truths”? If you’re going to call your project Truth, shouldn’t you tackle other areas as well as smoking? Is this the only lie ever conceived? What about alcohol and alcohol related deaths? I’d wager that more young people are unaware of the dangers of alcohol abuse than smoking.

    What a pretentious title for your program, “truth”. These are the most obnoxious commercials ever and although I’ve never smoked, I’m seriously considering taking up the habit. That’s how much I hate those commercials, they are literally driving me to smoke.

    The idiots in the commercials are always claiming to be attempting to track down some tobacco exec and trying to confront him about cigarettes and ask why the tobacco companies have attempted to mislead the public about the inherent dangers. So the lesson of the commercial is twofold: a) smoking is bad for your health, and b) tobacco companies downplay the negative effects of smoking because they are trying to get you to buy their product. This is helpful information for absolutely no one, because it is something that everyone already knows.

    Guinness has an advertising slogan that reads “Guinness is good for you”. After years of exhaustive study, researchers have determined that Guinness is, in fact, not good for you (yes, I know alcohol in small amounts has been said to be good for your heart, but in large quantities it can also damage your liver, and I hear that’s a bad thing). Guinness isn’t allowed to use their slogan in the U.S. because of strict truth in advertising regulations. The statement that Guinness is good for you is obviously a joke to everyone but the target audience of Truth.com commercials. These are the same people that don’t know coffee is hot, and are blissfully unaware that companies that sell a product might not be in a hurry to point out the reasons you shouldn’t buy it. That doesn’t make dishonesty ok but if Hostess came out with a commercial telling you Twinkies were good for you and you switched over to an all-Twinkie diet, then you are, in all likelihood, a moron. We don’t need huge ad campaigns to save people from their own stupidity. At some point you have to let natural selection do its thing.

    The worst commercial is the one with the dork who goes to the mattress store and asks if they put warning labels on mattresses, because a memo from a tobacco executive suggested people be warned against sleeping because so many people die in their sleep. The interviewer apparently is not against smoking of every kind because he’s got dope-smoker written all over him. It’s immediately obvious to every sane viewer that the exec’s memo was a tongue-in-cheek note essentially saying “if you’re going to put warning labels on cigarettes because they can kill you, why not put labels on everything that could kill you?” Since they don’t tell you when the memo was written, one assumes it was 10 or 15 years ago, before they actually did put warning labels on everything including hot coffee. The memo was using an absurd statement to illustrate an absurd circumstance. The commercial, on the other hand, presumes the memo is meant literally, that those wacky tobacco executives actually think sleep is bad for you. As if anyone, besides the maker of this commercial, is that dumb.

    I’m reminded of the closing scene of The Misfits, starring Clark Gable. Gable’s character is reconsidering selling the horses he’s just round up to a dog food company. He’s decided it’s not something he wants to do after all, but before he can take action, Montgomery Clift and Marilyn Monroe, in a fit of self-righteous indignation, ‘save’ the horses by cutting their ropes and releasing them. It’s immediately clear to the viewer that this is a largely symbolic gesture because unless they plan to spirit the horses away somewhere, he could simply come back the next day and round them up again. In fact, his sidekick, played by Eli Wallach, says as much. Nevertheless, Gable grabs a rope and single-handedly catches and reigns in the powerful stallion that had just been released. Then with Clift and Monroe looking on, he cuts the horse loose, saying, “Don't want nobody makin' up my mind for me, that’s all”.

    Your intrepid reviewer wonders, who does want their mind made up for them? On the other hand, I suppose if thinking for yourself wasn’t such a rare quality, they wouldn’t have to make movies about the few who possess the ability.

    Monday, June 26, 2006

    Viewer Mail

    Dear Daddy,

    I’m writing to you today to express my concern over several areas that, I think, warrant improvement.

    First, I notice on your blog you have used my photograph without, as my attorney Mr. Poof-Poof puts it, “my express written consent”. You may consider this missive a demand to cease and desist. Furthermore, I have outlined a number of areas that are unacceptable and the way in which you and mother (hereafter referred to as ma-ma) can rectify said infractions.

    My demands are as follows:

    1. I want better “num-nums”... milk and oatmeal is fine, but how about the occasional “nanner”? Also, I hear steak is nice.
    2. A stricter adherence to the “warm wet-wipes only” rule after I have done my - how can I put this delicately – business.
    3. Speaking of waste disposal, no more cries of “Lord have mercy” or gagging sounds when removing my diaper. Seriously, you people act as if your shuey-poo doesn’t stink.
    4. There appears to be some communication problem with the both of you. Just last night when I clearly indicated my need to unwind with a vintage bottle of Similac ’06 you mistook my cries for a request for snuggle time.
    5. Finally, for the love of all that's holy, please, no more bi-lingual flash cards. Should I require the need to speak Esperanto at some point I'll deal with it then.

    In conclusion, if my demands are not met there will be severe repercussions. I’ve spoken with some of the other babies in our area and we’re considering unionizing. Nothing is set in stone yet, but we have a charter and we’re tossing around ideas for cool uniforms.

    Assuming that we infants are afforded the same rights as any other toothless, bladder-incontinent citizen of this country, and I submit to you that we are, then something is not right around here and needs to change, as the French say, tout-de-suit.

    Sincerely,

    Sammy

    SB:pp

    Wednesday, June 21, 2006

    The Close-Minded Movie Reviewer

    Once again it’s time for another episode of Close-Minded Movie Reviews. I will be critically analyzing movies I haven’t seen and giving either my blessing or the full wrath of my extreme disapproval, which if seen in its entirety is truly something to behold. I will use whatever information I have at hand - be it trailers, articles, blind supposition or wild speculation. I know some of you are saying, “Larry, since you haven’t seen it, it’s not technically a review”. To which I answer, “Do I need to come over there? Do I? Because oh, I will…alright, that’s better.”

    Did you know in 1968 there was a book written by Paul R. Ehrlich called The Population Bomb predicting disaster for the world due to overpopulation? It predicted that "in the 1970s and 1980s hundreds of millions of people will starve to death", and "that nothing can be done to avoid mass famine greater than any in the history, and radical action is needed to limit the overpopulation. Predicting by the turn of the century England would no longer exist" Fortunately these types of wacky doomsday predictions have ceased to exist. Now, on to the movies…

    An Inconvenient Truth

    genre: boring

    Directed by Davis Guggenheim, it opened on May 24th. I gather this movie is about how we’re all going to die if we don’t stop abusing the earth. Well, if mother-earth wouldn’t sass us, we wouldn’t have to abuse her, now would we? At any rate, 100 minutes of Al Gore talking about anything, even Twinkies (and I loves me some Twinkies) and I’d be ready to douse myself in gasoline and light a match. Soon to be available in the "Science That Requires a PR Campaign" section of your local video store. No thanks and no stars.


    Who Killed the Electric Car?

    genre: crazy

    I’m going to go with Colonel Mustard in the Library with the lead pipe. This film opens June 28th in limited release, with movie stars such as Tom Hanks, Ed Begly, Jr. and Mel Gibson as themselves praising their electric cars. Hopefully this will start a new trend where celebrities tell us about other things they’re into, that nobody cares about, like Scientology or experimental aircraft. Martin Sheen, stopping by earth on his way back from Planet Crazy, narrates this film. You can get 2 gallons of gas instead of seeing this movie, half a star.


    The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

    genre: stupid

    This movie opened on June 16th and stars that guy from Friday Night Lights and Jarhead. I recently watched an interview with master thespian, and co-star of "Tokyo Drift", Lil’ Bow Wow. He said there’s never been a movie about “drifting” before. Other subjects there has never been a movie about: narcoleptic insurance salesman, bladder-incontinent truck drivers, and near-sighted cooks employed by the Waffle House. Perhaps because they’re dumb ideas…although admittedly not as dumb as calling yourself Lil’ Bow Wow. 1 star.

    Lady in the Water

    genre: strange

    Opening on July 21st. Let’s see, it stars Paul Giamotti and when have you seen a bad movie with him? Ok, "Big Momma’s House", but besides that, the man is gold. The female lead is Bryce Howard, Ron Howard’s daughter who made her major acting debut in another Shaymalan movie, "The Village". While that movie wasn’t so hot, most everything else he’s done is solid. So basing my judgement off of purely anecdotal evidence (my personal favorite of all the kinds of evidences) I’ll recommend this movie and give it 3 stars.

    Scoop

    genre: dramedy-romance

    Opening July 28th. Written and Directed by Woody Allen, and starring Scarlet Johansen, Woody Allen and Hugh Jackman. Johansen’s character meets a ghost played by Ian McShane (from HBO’s Deadwood) who I think is supposed to be a journalist from the past. It appears she meets him inside some sort of magician’s contraption and he warns her of the Tarot Card Murderer who may or may not be Jackman’s character. A Johansen-Jackman romance no doubt ensues, but don’t count out a Johansen-Allen hookup as well. I can’t get a firm read on this picture, so I’m going to tentatively recommend it with the caveat that I may revoke said recommendation if further “evidence” presents itself. 2 and a half stars.


    Miami Vice

    genre: lame

    Also opening July 28th, directed and produced by Michael Mann. Why must every TV series get made into a feature film? When does "Manimal" get its day in the sun? This sure-to-be-terrible movie stars Colin “I’ve never read a lousy script I didn’t love” Farrell and Jamie “I’m trying very hard to prove 'Ray' was a fluke” Fox. This film is directed by the mann (get it? mann...I kill me) who directed "The Aviator" and "Collateral". Based on the fact that there has never been an above-average film based on a television show ever, I’m going to have to say: wait for video, 1 1/2 stars.

    That's all for now. Stay tuned for Closed-Minded Music Reviews where I review sight-unseen, (or sound-unheard) new music, so you don't have to.


    Monday, June 12, 2006

    Behind the Music: W.E.S.

    As I have pointed out on numerous occasions, when not working as an arc-welder in the greater Lodi area, I do a lot of charity work with the underprivileged. However, I also like to take a little time away every now and then. So it was a couple of years ago that I started moonlighting in a local rock band. We called ourselves Wendi’s Electric Stapler and we performed every 3rd Thursday in August and November at The Salad Shooter Juice Bar & Vegan Deli. We considered ourselves a Twee pop-Gothabilly-Grebo-Jangle-pop band. And although that’s hardly original, our true claim to fame was that we only did Jim Croce cover tunes.

    When I first joined the band I met the woman pictured above, and this lovely yet diabolical woman haunts my waking nightmares to this very day. Her stage name was Lori, though she also went by L-Dog, Snake, and sometimes Peaches. We soon became embroiled in a whirlwind romance and shared the kind of cosmic symmetry of spirit that you only read about in Harlequin romance novels. In the beginning I was arrogant and cruel while she was innocent and chaste and spoke with a southern accent.

    I'm not sure if you can make it out in the picture, but she has a tattoo on her arm that says "Larry & Peaches Forever". Well like Prince says, forever is a mighty long time and, "when you call up that shrink in Beverly Hills, you know the one, Dr. Everything'll-Be-All-right, instead of asking him how much of your time is left, ask him how much of your mind, baby". Anyway, it was at that moment, what alcoholics (and Jules Winnfield) refer to as a moment of clarity, that I realized either our relationship or my sanity was doomed.

    As so often happens in the real world, everything ended in tears. My tears to be specific. She was an exacting woman, I remember a particularly nasty fight we once got into when I asked, “Where's the dog at?” and she replied, “don’t ever end a sentence in a preposition again or I’ll cut you”.

    The worst was yet to come because, as with so many break-ups, politics would be our undoing. I remember the day she told me she advocated the plan for drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge like it was yesterday. “You’re willing to destroy a wildlife refuge and speed up what is sure to be the coming global apocalypse for just a few months worth of oil?” I asked incredulously. She said, “I’m not planning on going to Alaska anyway, so I doubt I’ll miss it”. On the other hand she was, she assured me, against drilling in Disneyland.

    I was crestfallen. I tried everything I could think of to change her. I tried Therapy (not professional therapy, rather Therapy: The board game. It's surprisingly cathartic). I tried an intervention, a seance and a Pampered Chef party...I even called her close-minded, nothing worked.

    You see, Lori was the worst kind of evil: She was a Republican. You might have noticed the red eyes in the picture and assumed it was a photographic anomaly caused by light reflecting off the retina - you couldn't be more wrong. That’s her actual eye color. Her eyes burn with a fire as if from a woman possessed. Anyway, it was over for us the day she stole the keys to my Prius and tried to run me over. The band broke up a few months later, and the rest as they say, is history.

    Saturday, June 10, 2006

    Noblesse Oblige

    Perhaps I should relate a bit of history so the reader can better understand what I like to call "the big picture"...

    Long time fans of the site will remember last summer when I started my own business called Crazy Larry's House of Discount Cheese. Well, I won't rehash the entire story now, but suffice it to say that there is such a thing as bad publicity and even a relatively mild dysentery epidemic will scare off the lion's share of ones clientele.
    At any rate, my earlier failure was probably a blessing in disguise as it allowed me to move on to an occupation that allows me to give something back to the community. Fast forward to today where I am currently employed as an arc-welder at the medium security Men's Correctional Facility in Lodi, California. It was in the daily course of my duties that I met the man pictured above.

    As usual a person's privacy is sacrosanct here at the Spatulas news desk. I'll refer to him only by the completely chosen-at-random name "Barry" or by his prison name, "Baby Buns". Barry, I soon learned, had been a semi-professional ball player that everyone expected would go on to be the next Nomar minus the OCD. His downfall began the day he fell for a woman that convinced him armed-robbery was "cool".

    I've been working with Barry for a while now and I've seen some marked improvement. I told him it was ok to cry (just not around me because that kind of stuff will get you stabbed here in "the joint"). I've also taught him to redirect his passion to constructive ends by turning him on to a personal cause of mine: the environment.

    Finally, I passed along a verse that has proved invaluable to me over the years. In the immortal words of Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force:
    “It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, whether you're white, black, or Sasquatch, even. As long as you follow your dream, no matter how crazy or against the law it is... except for Sasquatch. If you're Sasquatch, the rules are different”.

    Wednesday, May 31, 2006

    Smooth Criminal


    Startling new revelations from a close family member:

    Re: "Don't Do It!".

    I too know this lady...as a matter of fact we grew up together singing in the same family musical group...the Collins 5. From a very young age she has been interested in animals...birds, dogs, fish, you name it. We never thought anything of it until one day she renamed the bird Princess Jennifer Jr and the fish Bubbles. Today she lives in quiet seclusion on her sprawling "Nevermind" estate in Santa Barbara, vindicated after being acquitted on all 11 counts of cruelty to animals. It is unsettling to see her up to her old tricks again. Who would have ever thought that after her 1975 chart topping hit "ABC-123" that she would fall so far from grace. Truly sad. - Tito Collins

    Sunday, May 28, 2006

    When a plan comes together


    As many of you know, I do a lot of work with the disadvantaged. So it was in the course of an outing of the Defining Opportunities for Redheaded Kids Society that I met this man. We'll call him "Tim" to respect his privacy. Anyway, Tim explained to me that he had served two tours in 'Nam and in the years since returning he had hatched a plan. He said he was going to organize an elite band of mercenaries that would hire themselves out to help people in need.

    The poor fella was devastated when I explained that someone had beat him to the punch. Such a group had indeed already been formed; it was called the "A-Team" and had operated from 1983 to 1987.

    Later that day, I met his wife "Kay", and she told me Tim was afflicted with a rare disorder whereby prolonged exposure to the sun rendered him completely insane as well as mildly congested. Unfortunately, this is an all too common story where redheads are concerned. There is no cure, she informed me, only containment. Education is the key.

    Wednesday, May 24, 2006

    Meet me in yonder window embrasia


    Two of the best character actors of early cinema (according to me) were Eric Blore and Robert Grieg. Both were masters of the uppity servant role. As soon as is humanly possibly, I demand that you see a film with one of them, or better yet both. As it turns out, they were both in The Lady Eve and Sullivan's Travels. It was in Sullivan’s Travels that Grieg (playing the part of the Burrows the butler) delivers the following admonition to his employer:
    "You see, sir, rich people and theorists - who are usually rich people - think of poverty in the negative, as the lack of riches, as disease might be called the lack of health. But it isn't, sir, poverty is not the lack of anything, but a positive plague, virulent in itself, contagious as cholera, with filth, criminality, vice and despair as only a few of its symptoms. It is to be stayed away from, even for purposes of study. It is to be shunned."

    And speaking of Sullivan's Travels, this is a movie worth seeing. The main character is a movie producer that sets off to make a movie of social commentary, a "message movie". In the end he discovers that a) he isn't really qualified to make a movie about the poor, because he doesn't really understand the subject matter and b) movies are entertainment (who knew? certainly not the Hollywood of today) and as such, entertainment provides the only social benefit it needs to. It distracts the audience from the cares and complications of the real world for 90 minutes, and that's a good thing.

    Preview THE LADY EVE at www.videodetective.com

    Sunday, May 21, 2006

    Don't Do It


    There's this lady in my neighborhood. Let's call her "Jenny" to protect her identity. So anyway, one day I'm walking along and I notice her up in her balcony with her little dog. I smile and wave because it's a wonderful day and Oprah is on in 30 minutes, but my high spirits are soon turned to horror as I notice she is dangling her dog over the balcony a la Michael Jackson. I attempt to reason with her. I say, "Ma'am, put the dog down and step a-wayyy from the balcony". She then proceeds to tell me that a) she is not dangling her dog over the ledge and b) that I'm violating the edict of the restraining order by approaching within the 150 feet limit.

    Saturday, May 20, 2006

    A Masterpiece of Understatement

    On Tuesday May 28th, the Turner Classic Movies channel is presenting a bunch of Howard Hawks movies, including:
    • Scarface (1932)
    • Bringing up Baby (1938)
    • Only Angels Have Wings (1939)
    • To Have And Have Not (1944)
    • The Big Sleep (1946)

    If you're one of the 5 people in the world without TiVo, a DVR, a VCR, or a DVD burner then this would be a good day to stay home.

    No respect


    Here's my son Sam at about 5 months of age. His mother picks out his clothes, obviously. Well, I shall have my revenge just as soon as I can find a "My Mother Shakes Me" outfit.

    Inaugural Post

    Welcome to The Spatulas of Doom blog.

    So begins my foray into the Blogosphere. My intention is to post pictures of friends and family. Sort of a photo diary of my life, except that the captions are all a pack of lies. I found that when setting down the events of my life for posterity, the truth was considerably less exciting than outright falsehoods. So there you go.

    I fully anticipate I will have abandoned this hobby in a few short weeks, but until then I shall try my best to update the site with useful information. And by useful, I mean: useful to myself.