Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Smooth Criminal

Startling new revelations from a close family member:

Re: "Don't Do It!".

I too know this a matter of fact we grew up together singing in the same family musical group...the Collins 5. From a very young age she has been interested in animals...birds, dogs, fish, you name it. We never thought anything of it until one day she renamed the bird Princess Jennifer Jr and the fish Bubbles. Today she lives in quiet seclusion on her sprawling "Nevermind" estate in Santa Barbara, vindicated after being acquitted on all 11 counts of cruelty to animals. It is unsettling to see her up to her old tricks again. Who would have ever thought that after her 1975 chart topping hit "ABC-123" that she would fall so far from grace. Truly sad. - Tito Collins

Sunday, May 28, 2006

When a plan comes together

As many of you know, I do a lot of work with the disadvantaged. So it was in the course of an outing of the Defining Opportunities for Redheaded Kids Society that I met this man. We'll call him "Tim" to respect his privacy. Anyway, Tim explained to me that he had served two tours in 'Nam and in the years since returning he had hatched a plan. He said he was going to organize an elite band of mercenaries that would hire themselves out to help people in need.

The poor fella was devastated when I explained that someone had beat him to the punch. Such a group had indeed already been formed; it was called the "A-Team" and had operated from 1983 to 1987.

Later that day, I met his wife "Kay", and she told me Tim was afflicted with a rare disorder whereby prolonged exposure to the sun rendered him completely insane as well as mildly congested. Unfortunately, this is an all too common story where redheads are concerned. There is no cure, she informed me, only containment. Education is the key.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Meet me in yonder window embrasia

Two of the best character actors of early cinema (according to me) were Eric Blore and Robert Grieg. Both were masters of the uppity servant role. As soon as is humanly possibly, I demand that you see a film with one of them, or better yet both. As it turns out, they were both in The Lady Eve and Sullivan's Travels. It was in Sullivan’s Travels that Grieg (playing the part of the Burrows the butler) delivers the following admonition to his employer:
"You see, sir, rich people and theorists - who are usually rich people - think of poverty in the negative, as the lack of riches, as disease might be called the lack of health. But it isn't, sir, poverty is not the lack of anything, but a positive plague, virulent in itself, contagious as cholera, with filth, criminality, vice and despair as only a few of its symptoms. It is to be stayed away from, even for purposes of study. It is to be shunned."

And speaking of Sullivan's Travels, this is a movie worth seeing. The main character is a movie producer that sets off to make a movie of social commentary, a "message movie". In the end he discovers that a) he isn't really qualified to make a movie about the poor, because he doesn't really understand the subject matter and b) movies are entertainment (who knew? certainly not the Hollywood of today) and as such, entertainment provides the only social benefit it needs to. It distracts the audience from the cares and complications of the real world for 90 minutes, and that's a good thing.

Preview THE LADY EVE at

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Don't Do It

There's this lady in my neighborhood. Let's call her "Jenny" to protect her identity. So anyway, one day I'm walking along and I notice her up in her balcony with her little dog. I smile and wave because it's a wonderful day and Oprah is on in 30 minutes, but my high spirits are soon turned to horror as I notice she is dangling her dog over the balcony a la Michael Jackson. I attempt to reason with her. I say, "Ma'am, put the dog down and step a-wayyy from the balcony". She then proceeds to tell me that a) she is not dangling her dog over the ledge and b) that I'm violating the edict of the restraining order by approaching within the 150 feet limit.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

A Masterpiece of Understatement

On Tuesday May 28th, the Turner Classic Movies channel is presenting a bunch of Howard Hawks movies, including:
  • Scarface (1932)
  • Bringing up Baby (1938)
  • Only Angels Have Wings (1939)
  • To Have And Have Not (1944)
  • The Big Sleep (1946)

If you're one of the 5 people in the world without TiVo, a DVR, a VCR, or a DVD burner then this would be a good day to stay home.

No respect

Here's my son Sam at about 5 months of age. His mother picks out his clothes, obviously. Well, I shall have my revenge just as soon as I can find a "My Mother Shakes Me" outfit.

Inaugural Post

Welcome to The Spatulas of Doom blog.

So begins my foray into the Blogosphere. My intention is to post pictures of friends and family. Sort of a photo diary of my life, except that the captions are all a pack of lies. I found that when setting down the events of my life for posterity, the truth was considerably less exciting than outright falsehoods. So there you go.

I fully anticipate I will have abandoned this hobby in a few short weeks, but until then I shall try my best to update the site with useful information. And by useful, I mean: useful to myself.