I’m writing to you today to express my concern over several areas that, I think, warrant improvement.
First, I notice on your blog you have used my photograph without, as my attorney Mr. Poof-Poof puts it, “my express written consent”. You may consider this missive a demand to cease and desist. Furthermore, I have outlined a number of areas that are unacceptable and the way in which you and mother (hereafter referred to as ma-ma) can rectify said infractions.
My demands are as follows:
- I want better “num-nums”... milk and oatmeal is fine, but how about the occasional “nanner”? Also, I hear steak is nice.
- A stricter adherence to the “warm wet-wipes only” rule after I have done my - how can I put this delicately – business.
- Speaking of waste disposal, no more cries of “Lord have mercy” or gagging sounds when removing my diaper. Seriously, you people act as if your shuey-poo doesn’t stink.
- There appears to be some communication problem with the both of you. Just last night when I clearly indicated my need to unwind with a vintage bottle of Similac ’06 you mistook my cries for a request for snuggle time.
- Finally, for the love of all that's holy, please, no more bi-lingual flash cards. Should I require the need to speak Esperanto at some point I'll deal with it then.
In conclusion, if my demands are not met there will be severe repercussions. I’ve spoken with some of the other babies in our area and we’re considering unionizing. Nothing is set in stone yet, but we have a charter and we’re tossing around ideas for cool uniforms.
Assuming that we infants are afforded the same rights as any other toothless, bladder-incontinent citizen of this country, and I submit to you that we are, then something is not right around here and needs to change, as the French say, tout-de-suit.